


Who he isn't, who he is

by sciencebluefeelings



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:28:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21724513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencebluefeelings/pseuds/sciencebluefeelings
Summary: “Spock - listen. We both know we're a substitute for someone else we want.”Spock stared at Jim, the words lingering between their lips.“What’s the point in pretending otherwise? Let's just accept it and go.”
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock Prime
Comments: 11
Kudos: 77





	Who he isn't, who he is

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fannibalistic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fannibalistic/gifts).



> Thanks to [@sleepless_siren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepless_siren) for betaing! 
> 
> For [@Fannibalistic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fannibalistic/pseuds/Fannibalistic) bc they are amazing and I _love_ the content they made for my Spock Prime feels >< I hope you like it!

Jim looked at his first officer and wondered again if his heart was made solely to be broken.

He had told himself so many times. _Don't do it. Don't do it._

But how could he not?

It's what he does, fall in love the way people think he likes having sex: hard and fast.

Spock being Spock didn't help at all. Jim knew he was a goner all those years ago when the words _‘Cadet Kirk’_ came out of those perfect lips during the Starfleet Academy hearing. Jim saw dark hair, darker eyes, and an attitude full of disdain towards Jim's tactics - or maybe just Jim as a whole.

Jim had never wanted someone so badly.

But Commander Spock was dating Uhura, and Jim loved them both. For all his bravado and reputation, there were lines Jim refused to cross.

Jim thought about all this as he watched them sitting together. It was a rare moment of reprieve for the crew. The _Enterprise_ had shuttled several diplomats to a month-long conference, and the Federation’s flagship was expected to be in attendance for the length of its duration. 

If nothing happened, Jim could almost think of it as extended vacation time. The first night of the conference went by smoothly and there was an elaborate reception when it concluded.

The diplomats were mingling and discussing the events that had occurred. Out of the corner of his eye, Jim saw Sulu and Chekov messing with the chocolate fountain, and Bones dragging Scotty away from what looked like a failed attempt to flirt with an ambassador.

 _He’s_ in here somewhere.

He arrived at the conference through different means from New Vulcan, but Jim saw him during the proceedings of the conference. Jim kept scanning the room.

Finally Jim got up from his seat at the bar from where he could watch Spock and Uhura together in a booth to check outside the reception hall. The night was cool with a few stray clouds embellishing the starry night.

He was not in the gardens or anywhere on the nearby patios. Jim circled around back inside to climb the stairs to the second floor.

Jim finally found the Older Spock standing on a balcony, a vantage point from where it was easy to see the bustle of diplomats below while maintaining distance. His back was turned and he did not seem to notice Jim.

The ambassador was still in his formal wear, as neat and handsome as his first officer. Jim envied Vulcan formal wear, which looked practical and comfortable. His own Starfleet officer formal wear was torturous to endure, especially the collar biting into his neck.

Then Jim hesitated. Older Spock had sought such solace from the others. Did he want space? Was Jim intruding?

Lost in his thoughts, Jim was startled when he realized the ambassador was already looking back at him.

Right. Vulcan hearing.

There was a faint smile on his worn face and awe in his eyes, much like the wonder when he first saw Jim on Delta Vega.

His heart in his throat, Jim approached and slid next to the older Vulcan. “You come here often?”

Jim expected an eyebrow raise and amused rebuffing. He did not expect wide brown eyes and then a soft chuckle tinged with disbelief.

“Perhaps. If I find the company agreeable,” the ambassador answered in his deep, sultry voice, humor tinting each syllable.

Shit. Jim couldn’t believe this was happening. “You saying you find me agreeable?”

Without moving an inch from where he stood, Older Spock looked him up and down with undisguised heat in his gaze. “Possibly.”

Jim quells the sudden flustered twisting in his stomach. Half-curious if Older Spock would keep up the pretense, half-giddy with adrenaline, Jim stretched out his hand in greeting. “I hope you’ve been well, Ambassador.” 

Spock paused.

Before Jim could laugh it off, Spock pulled Jim’s hand towards him with surprising strength and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. Jim felt himself flush from his ears down to his chest.

He couldn’t hear Spock’s thoughts through their contact, but the sentiment was clear in his sparkling eyes. _Two can play at that game, old friend._

Jim grinned broadly. Spock returned the grin with a small smile of his own. “I have been fine, Captain. Thank you. How about you?”

“Good enough.”

“I saw you earlier,” Older Spock said conversationally. 

“Ah. Then you saw me looking at-” Jim glanced down. Spock and Uhura haven’t moved, oblivious to their surroundings.

“So he is still in a relationship with the communications officer?”

Jim's mood soured instantly. “Let's not talk about them.”

Older Spock turned to face Jim. Whenever he looked at Jim, it was like there was an entire history in his expression, heavy with regret and longing. Sometimes it didn’t feel like Older Spock was looking at Jim, but rather he was looking _through_ him.

Jim shrugged it off. “It’s whatever. Tonight’s been great. And it’s about to get better.”

“You speak with such confidence,” Older Spock teased.

Jim inched closer, biting his lip, hoping his intentions had been clearly conveyed. “What do you think? Wanna get out of here?”

Spock seemed to come back to his senses then, blinking hard. He hesitated, looking back and forth at the crowd and then at Jim. “We should not do this.”

“I'm not asking for you to move in with me. C'mon, Spock. One night.”

Part of Jim felt guilty for lumping this Older Spock with the crowd of nameless faces he’s slept with before discarding, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop. 

Jim leaned away and instantly Older Spock stepped closer, as if gravitated towards him. Jim suddenly felt powerful.

Spock seemed to notice the shift in Jim’s eyes. “Captain,” he began.

“Spock - listen. We both know we're a substitute for someone else we want.”

Spock stared at Jim, the words lingering between their lips. 

“What’s the point in pretending otherwise? Let’s just accept it and go.”

Older Spock spared one last look at the unpleasant crowd.

“Very well. I am amenable to the suggestion. Shall we relocate to my current place of residence?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

To his infinite surprise, the older Vulcan took his hand again. And winked.

His worn skin was cool, but the touch between them was searing, tingling with restrained desire.

Jim tightened his grip and pulled them out of the reception room.

“Fuck,” Jim panted. The older Vulcan paused, allowing Jim to readjust his hands against the headboard. “ _Fuck_ , Spock.”

“Yes, I believe that is what we are doing,” Spock said dryly. He gave Jim's mouth a kittenish lick, startling an unexpected laugh out of it.

“You're so cute. You know I think you're cute?”

“Clearly I am not doing this properly if you are thinking about anything.”

Jim laughed again as Spock playfully bit along his jawline. It's nothing like the hookups he's had in the past, with swift pleasure as the only pursuit.

Spock took his time preparing Jim, prolonged his contact inside him, touching and teasing as if he desired to hear Jim's shy laughter more than begs and groans.

Jim wondered if his laugh sounded like his counterpart.

Spock frowned. “You are still thinking too much.”

Before Jim could reply, Spock kissed his opening mouth and eased back one of Jim's knees, spreading him wider.

 _Fuck._ The new angle shot overwhelming pleasure up his spine. Jim threw his head back and let himself be lost in the sensation.

Spock stared from under the covers, still slightly breathless. “Jim? You are leaving?”

Jim stopped midway through the motion of pulling his pants back on. “Uh, yeah?”

For a split second Older Spock looked like he had something to say, but then he leaned back in his inviting looking bed covers. “Good night, Captain.”

Jim smothered keen disappointment as he finished dressing. “Night, Ambassador. See you tomorrow.” He braced himself to leave, desperately hoping for an exit free of other witnesses.

“Jim, wait.”

Still completely bare, Spock rose out of the bed and approached Jim. “Let me provide you with my number.” Dazed, Jim let Spock add his contact information to Jim’s comm. “If you would like to come back, you are welcome to contact me anytime, old friend.”

Jim’s throat was tight, but he tried to keep his voice casual. “Careful, I might just take you up on that offer,” he laughed.

Spock didn’t break eye contact. Combined with the fact he still wasn’t wearing any clothing - Jim was this close to giving in and falling back into his body.

Jim managed to walk out the door and away from him. 

He located his own hotel room and fell back against the closed door. The quarters were elaborate and lonely.

Jim was already shivering. Every one night stand left Jim shivering from feeling cold, inside and out, but it felt so fucking good in the moment. He couldn’t resist the temptation each time.

Jim scrubbed his face and went to the shower to turn the heat up as far as it could go.

“Hold on,” Jim gasped. “What the hell, Spock?”

Older Spock made a movement that was almost like a shrug. “Unlike humans, Vulcan libido increases with time.”

“That makes a lot of sense.” Jim shook his head, still straining to balance where he was straddling Spock. 

It’s been one week. Jim attempted to remain standoffish the first couple days, but the allure of Older Spock within reach, _desiring_ him - even if that desire stemmed from someone that wasn’t Jim - Jim stopped resisting. 

The burn every time they fell into bed together was addictive.

Every night Jim silently extracted himself from the sleepy Vulcan’s grip to return to his own quiet quarters, miserable every time.

It’s not what Jim wants. But it’s enough. It has to be enough.

Jim shut the door and pulled off his shirt. “We have the entire weekend again, right?”

Jim looked behind him at Older Spock, who hasn’t moved with his usual fervent need. His eyes were like the swirling chaos of a star before it collapsed and died. 

“Spock?”

Jim tilted his head up to press a kiss to Spock’s cheek, and nearly recoiled from the taste of guilt. There was something wet on Jim’s lips.

Jim did a double take and realized Spock - _Spock_ \- was crying. Right in front of him.

Oh, fuck. “Spock, are you okay?”

“ _My beloved._ ” Spock whispered in Vulcan, and Jim froze as he realized Spock didn't know Jim could understand every word.

“ _My precious one, you have no idea how much I love you._ ”

Jim didn't dare touch Spock again, afraid of what the Vulcan would do if he discovered how easily the raw words had been exposed.

Spock took a shuddering breath. “Jim, I am sorry. I take you to bed and every time, I hurt you like all the others that have been with you before. And yet I cannot stop myself from coming back to you.”

Shit. Spock was crying because of - no - he was crying _for_ Jim.

Jim shook his head a little too hard. “It's just sex, Spock.”

“Not for you,” Spock said in a hushed tone. “It's different. He - _he_ enjoyed it.”

Jim froze. 

“He enjoyed being with his partners, exploring each other's bodies, seeking mutual satisfaction. You seek something else. Something you should not be pursuing.”

Wow, okay. Jim was not nearly drunk or high enough for this level of intimate discussion.

Suddenly Jim was angry. “Do you really consider me so weak compared to my counterpart? It was my _choice_ to find people to fuck, you know. It wasn’t their fault I made that decision.”

Spock sighed. “That still does not mean they did not hurt you.”

Jim found he couldn't reply to that.

Spock turned away and said in Vulcan, “ _You do not deserve punishment for desiring affection, beloved._ ”

It's a fucking good thing Spock wasn't looking at Jim to read him like a book - or like the inferior copy of his long-lost human of unreciprocated desire. Jim knew his emotions were spilling out all over his face and he couldn't do anything about it.

“There’s only a week left in this conference anyways. You’re ending things now?”

Spock didn’t move. Jim walked towards the doors, which slid open for him to leave. Spock didn’t try to stop him. Jim gritted his teeth.

_Fuck it._

Jim stormed back and stood chest to chest with Spock, who stared in shock.

“One week. Make love to me,” Jim demanded. “Take care of me. Like you've been doing every night. You know that’s what you’ve been doing, right? And then - let me stay until morning.”

Spock’s breath fluttered against Jim’s lips. “Until morning. Promise me you will not leave.”

Jim closed the distance between them.

Jim watched Older Spock as he slept, curled up against Jim’s chest, slightly cooler skin pressed against Jim’s.

He had never done this before today with _anybody_ , much less someone he genuinely cared about.

It felt perfect.

Jim blissfully slept cuddled up to Older Spock every night until the conference ended and Jim had to leave with the _Enterprise._

That should’ve been the end.

Jim didn’t know who was more surprised by their ongoing contact, Spock or Jim himself, who initiated their first video call. 

The conversation between them flowed without initial awkwardness or trepidation.

Jim was delighted every time he glimpsed another side of Spock, expressions and mannerisms that weren’t able to come to light in their brief moments of passion together.

At times, Older Spock seemed taken aback by something Jim would state or idly mention. Spock would be silent for a moment as he contemplated Jim, an inscrutable emotion tinting his gaze. The melancholy in the wrinkled corners of his eyes was disappearing.

Jim’s one night stands decreased in frequency until they were completely replaced by Jim talking to Spock long into every night. His soothing words were like a loving embrace as Jim fell asleep.

At some point Spock stopped calling Jim ‘old friend’. Jim stopped calling him Older Spock. It didn't feel right, especially because Jim was learning more about him, and comparing him less with his younger counterpart.

Maybe Jim wasn't even thinking about his first officer in that way anymore.

And then it happened.

Jim couldn't believe his ears. “But I saw them kiss in the mess hall yesterday afternoon,” he said weakly.

Sulu raised his hands. “Uhura told me herself, Captain.”

The delivery of information had been far too abrupt. “But why?” was all Jim could say.

“How am I supposed to know why she ended things with Spock?” Jim gave him a dirty look, but he couldn’t blame Sulu.

Jim lay in bed, waiting for the guilty anticipation from the news.

He didn’t feel it.

He fell asleep thinking of eyes that creased into perfect crescents when filled with laughter.

“Jim? It has been a while since you initiated contact. Have you been busy?”

Jim spoke without preamble. “Spock and Uhura broke up.”

Spock looked as though he had been struck. It was like watching a terrible train wreck and Jim couldn't look away. 

Jim waited for Spock to slip back into that perfect stoic Vulcan mask, but he remained visibly shaken.

“I see,” Spock managed to say. 

Jim felt terrible.

“Then I suppose there is no longer any reason to continue our - current arrangement.”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them ended the call.

Jim had so much to say, and he didn’t know how to say any of it at all.

“Spock - I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Jim. This was always meant to be temporary. Please - please be happy.” Spock’s voice broke in the middle of the sentence.

The call disconnected. Jim sat in ringing silence.

Jim asked his first officer to have a meal with him in his quarters, and Spock accepted. Jim sat with Spock and waited for the uncontrollable twisting in his stomach, the nervous butterflies.

Spock was still as hot as ever, but Jim didn’t feel hopelessly drawn towards him like the crushing, terrifying gravity of a star. 

They ended up talking about ship logistics for most of the meal. There was a comfortable atmosphere between them. Jim found himself saying, “It’s weird, you not being a dickish jerk to me.”

“My own actions were influenced by your own modifications in attitude, Captain.”

“Oh. Really?” Jim’s voice failed to hold enthusiasm as he thought about the exact reason why he’d started changing.

“You are distressed, Captain?”

Jim sighed. “Yeah. Actually, I dunno if you know, but Spock-” Jim halted.

Jim’s first officer raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

Jim blinked. “ _Spock_. Not - not you, the ambassador.” 

When had he let this happen? At what point had Spock become not the Spock of the other universe, not Older Spock, not the other Spock, but instead simply his Spock?

“I think I’m in love with your counterpart,” Jim blurted.

“Most of the crew is already aware of this fact, Captain.”

“ _What?_ ”

The first officer reached for his water. “Perhaps you are unaware, but you have changed considerably since the Federation conference. Personally, I find it a logical union. You two easily find comfort in one another. You encourage each other while challenging each other to become the best renditions of yourselves.”

Somehow, hearing the analysis from his first officer made Jim’s attraction feel even more strange. “I can’t believe I let this happen.”

“I find it difficult to believe it was a matter of _letting,_ Captain. You pursued with careful intention and received. Why are you surprised by the result?”

Jim’s eyebrows furrowed. “And how would you know that?”

“You often forget to close your entryway to our adjoined bathroom. I am unable to hear any specific words, but it is obvious from the tones of your voices that you care very much for each other.” 

Jim spluttered as the first officer stood up and adjusted his uniform. “Spock, what the fuck!”

“If you choose to finally engage in cyber sex with my counterpart, I strongly request you remember to close the door.” Spock glided out the door, tossing words over his shoulder. “Please speak with him promptly, Captain. The crew has noticed your thirty point five seven percent decrease in productivity over the last four days. Goodnight.”

“Ah, fuck you.” Jim’s snipe was half-hearted. “Night. Sweet dreams.”

“You are already aware of my aversion to sugar. If I dream of sweetness, the dream will most certainly not be sweet.” With that, Commander Spock was gone.

Abandoning the dinner he had been pushing around on the plate, Jim went to his PADD.

He paused. He went to close the bathroom door.

He called the number he’s memorized by heart long ago and waited, his heart racing.

The call connected. “Jim?”

Spock's voice was like a fire lighting something inside Jim. There was a fierce aching in his chest. He had never felt desperation like this before. “Spock, I need to tell you something.”

“As do I.” Suddenly Spock’s face was a brilliant bright color. Jim lost his train of thought instantly. 

Spock appeared to register Jim’s lapse into silence and spoke quickly, as if afraid he would be stopped. “Jim, I confess, I do not wish to relinquish what we share.”

Warmth spread throughout Jim's entire body, all the way to the tips of his fingers.

Spock was still blushing as he looked at Jim through his lashes. “I would like you to continue to court me. As you have been doing every night. You know that is what you have been doing, right?”

Jim laughed freely, feeling a deep peace he has never known before. “Well, now that I’m aware of it, I’ll do even better. Prepare to be fucking _wooed_.”

Spock’s face was lit up with a shy smile. “I look forward to it.”

Jim leaned on his side, the PADD carefully held in view. “So. You busy now?”

“I am, in fact, not.”

“Great. Chess?”

“I believe the proper Terran response would be, _‘you read my mind’_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! (or reaching the bottom of the page ^^) I appreciate all kudos and any form of comments! especially the ones w emoji spam 💖💖✨✨
> 
> If you liked the element of counterpart shenanigans in this story, [you might like this fic of Ambassador Spock struggling with Jim's appearance when his eye color changes from blue to hazel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22880143)


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